Akpors: The Sharp Guy

Akpos sent a text to his wife at night,
“Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”

He sent another text,
“And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car”

She text back, “OMG really?”

Akpos replied,
“No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

Akpors: can’t understand anything at all.

Akpos who was a houseboy usually sneaks into his
Oga’s room, drinks his wine and adds water to top it
up. One day his Oga bought a new wine called
pasties, it was a french wine that changes colour if
water is added onto it. Akpos unaware of this,
sneaks into his Oga’s room, drank the new wine and added water on it. Immediately it started changing
colour.
Akpos: I am in trouble, big trouble. He ran to the
kitchen. Meanwhile, Oga and madam were sitted in
the parlour, while Akpos was in the kitchen.
… OGA: Akpos Akpos: Oga
OGA: who drank my pasties?
No answer!
OGA: Akpos, who drank my pasties?.
No answer. Oga walked to the kitchen and saw
Akpos there. OGA: Are you insane or what?. Why when i call, you
say “Oga” but when i ask you a question you don’t
answer me.
Akpos: Oga when you are in the kitchen you don’t
understand anything, except your name. OGA: Is that
so?. Okay go to the parlour, stand beside madam and ask me a question while i stand here.
Akpos went and did what oga said.
Akpos: Ogaaaaaa
OGA: Yes Akpos
Akpos: Who goes into the maid’s bedroom when
madam is not at home?. No answer.
Akpos: Ogaaaaaa!!! You dey hear me, I say who dey
sneak enter the house girl room when madam no
dey house.
No answer. Oga runs out of the kitchen. OGA:
Wonders shall never end. Akpos, it is true o, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear
anything, except one’s name.
MADAM: That’s not true. It’s a lie.
Akpos: Madam, do you want to be tested?
MADAM: Yes Akpos: Oya enter the kitchen
She enters. Akpos: Madam
MADAM: Yes Akpos
Akpos: Who is Junior’s biological Father? Me or Oga
Madam rushed out of the kitchen

 MADAM: This
kitchen needs to be fumigated o, I can’t
understand anything at all.

The RAM

Boss: Take this #150,000, go to
computer village and buy me a
quality laptop with a big RAM
Akpors: Okay sir!
Akpors didn’t return after two
days, so his boss decided to reach
him on phone.
Boss: Hello, Akpors, what kept
you long?
Akpors: The RAM
Boss: The RAM? How do you
mean? Where are you now?
Akpors: I’m on my way back from
Kano sir.
Boss: Kano?
Akpors: Yes Kano. I bought the
Laptop at Ikeja but I traveled to
Kano to buy the big RAM.
Boss: Oh my God!
Akpors (got angry): Oh my wetin?
Oga, no tear eye for me o. I be
small pickin? No be Laptop and
big ram you send me?

To whom it may concern

After a heart surgery, Akpos told his doctor that his wife was afraid to have s*x with him. The Doctor assured him that it would do him no harm. Akpos asked him to
give it to him in writing and the doctor wrote furiously and gave it to him.

It said, “Dear Mrs Akpos, your husband is in such remarkable good physical condition, I wouldn’t be surprised if he could make love two or three times every night.”

Akpos was delighted but requested a small amendment, “Could you take out ‘Mrs Akpos’ and make it, “To whom it may concern?”.

Akpors vs Prostitute

Akpos stopped at a bar after work to have a drink. He started talking to a girl even though he is married, he thought she is so fine that he agreed to go to her place.

When he got to her place, he found out that she is a prostitute and that she wanted 5,000 Naira.

“Forget it,” Akpos said, “You never told me you were a prostitute. But I do have 500 Naira with me, will you take that?”

“You won’t get any decent prostitute for that amount,” she replied.

She threw him out.

Later that night, Akpos and his wife went out for dinner. While they were eating, the same prostitute who happened to be eating there too recognised Akpos.

She came up to him and said, “See, I told you. Look at the kind of trash you picked up for 500 Naira.”