WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH A WOMAN IS REALLY STRESSFUL.

Wife: which teams are playing?
Husband: Arsenal vs Manchester United
Wife : oooh wonderful! I love Arsenal..
Husband: that’s a good team…
Wife: is Drogba playing?
Husband: he doesn’t play for any of these
teams…
Wife: okay sweeet…is that Chris Brown?
Husband: [bored] no he is Chamberlain…
Wife : okay but they look the same…what’s that
yellow card for?
Husband: its a warning to the player…
After few minutes Wayne Rooney scores for
Manchester
United….
Wife: [cerebrates in high mood] is that
Chamberlain who has scored?
Husband: [calmly] no its Rooney for Manchester
United…!!
Wife: [furious] how? it should be Arsenal who
should have scored!!
Husband: [silent]
Wife: what is that red card for?
Husband : [bored] that means the player should
go out of the pitch for misbehaving.
Wife: then is he going to be a coach?
Husband:[unwilling to answer] aaaaaaa no…
Wife: its the same with traffic lights:
yellow=warning;red=danger.
Husband: exactly darling…
Wife :what about the green card?
Husband: mmmm nothing of that kind in a field of
play….
Wife: I want Arsenal to win the world cup…
Husband: [silent]
Wife: who is that man standing who looks like Mr.
Bean?
Husband: [bored] it’s the Arsenal coach ….Arsene
Wenger.
Wife: that means the other opponent’s coach is
Manchest Wenger?
Husband: [changes the channel to Nollywood]

NOT INTERESTED IN SEX

WOMAN: My Husband is not interested in sex
DOCTOR: Okay, Give these pills to him. Everyday, put
one pill in his tea.
The woman did and they had sex which she really enjoyed. Next day she thought to herself, "It can only get better" and puts two pills in his tea and they enjoyed more sex.
On the third day, she emptied the whole bottle in his tea.
Two days later doctor called to know the progress.
Akpos answered, "Mommy is in coma at the moment, Aunty is in hospital, the maid is suing dad for rape and daddy is still running naked in the garden, shouting Bingo! Bingo!! Bingo!!! Even the dogs are running for their lives."

IS THIS POSSIBLE??

I NEED AN ANSWER, ESPECIALLY FROM LADIES. GUYS CAN ALSO ANSWER.
Girl: baby please I want to fix my hair and I want you to give me some money to do that. (The guy reachs his pocket, takes out N10,000, gives it to her and says)
Boy: baby take this N10,000 I know it's small, but please manage it. (The girl collects the money, counts it and it's N10,000 just as the boy said. She took N1,500, returned N8,500 to the boy and said)
Girl: baby N1,500 will be ok for me. So take the N8500 balance and use it for something good, you don't have to start spending too much on me now. When we get married, you can think of doing that....
Does this kind of girls exist ???
(A) yes
(B) may be
(C) No
BE SINCERE!!!

AKPOS AND HIS WIFE.

.











Akpos tells wife on a Thursday morning that he's leaving for a three day prophetic conference.
.
WIFE: Darling, let's share a word of prayer before u leave.
.
AKPOS: Of course, that's why I love u.
.
WIFE: God, in the mighty name of You, I thank you for my husband, grant him travelling mercies as he's going.
.
AKPOS: Amen.
.
WIFE: Father, by your power, cause his p***s 2 stop functioning if he dare commits adultery.
.
AKPOS: [Silent]
.
WIFE: In fact Lord, let him not return home alive after any adulterous act.
.
AKPOS: [Silent]
.
WIFE: Lord kill him if ...
.
AKPOS: Ooooo shut up! Wicked woman, I won't even go again!

AKPOR THE BEST STUDENT

Akpos who has lived in Ghana all his
life, just
got admission into one of the Nigerian
institutions.
At the first day of lecture, the following
conversation
erupted...
The Lecturer said, lets begin by
reviewing some Nigerian history.
The Lecturer asked who said, "I
shall return to die in the land of my
fathers?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except
for
Akpos, who had his hand up.
Akpos replied: "King Jaja of Opobo,
1875"
Very good! said lecturer.
Then, she asked again, who said, "The
land
use act will feed the nation?" Again, no
response
except from Akpos: "obasanjo ,
1976."
The Lecturer snapped at the class;
class, you
should be ashamed. Akpos, who is
new to
our
Country, knows more about our
history than
you do.
The Lecturer heard a loud whisper:
"Ghana
must
go".
who said that? she demanded, Akpos
put
his hand up, "Buhari 1984".
At that point, a student at the back
scornfully
said; Hmmm,
you think you are smart?
The Lecturer glared and asked; "All
right"!
Now, who said that?
Again, Akpos said, "Babangida to
Abiola,
1992".
Hmmm, a Student at the back smilled I
dey
laugh ooh, Akpos smiled back and
said
Obasanjo
to Atiku 2001.
Now furious, another student yelled;
"Oh
yeah! Eat this"!
Akpos jumped out of his chair
waving his
hand and shouting to the Lecturer,
"Indian
mistress giving an apple to Abacha,
1998".
Now, with almost mob hyseria,
someone said;
"You little poo. If you say anything
else, I"ll kill
you."
Akpos frantically yelled at the top of
his voice;
"Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"
The Lecturer fainted, and as the class
gathered around her on the floor,
someone
said; "Oh poo,
we're in Big trouble now!"
Akpos whispered; "Chimaroke
Nnamani,
Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon
2007".
Someone angrily said; "Dont answer
him, he
is a fool" Akpors smiled and replied;
"Obansanjo
to IBB, 2011"
Now, the Lecturer managed to get up
and
asked Akpos; "please, who're you?
Show
your self"...
Akpos jumped, yelled and said;
"Jonathan to
BOKO HARAM, 2012"

AKPOS AND THE CAT

Teacher: If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?
Akpos: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?
Akpos: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I give you 2apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you
have?
Akpos: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?
Akpos: Seven!!!
Teacher (angry): Where did you get your seven from?
Akpos: Because I already have 1 cat at Home!

AKPORS FLIGHT, LAGOS TO LONDON

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen This is
Captain Akpos speaking. On behalf of my crew
I'd like to welcome you aboard NIGERIA Airways
flight 331 from LAGOS to LONDON.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000
feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of
the aircraft, you will observe that both the
starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out
of the windows on the port side, you will
observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If
you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life BOAT with three
people in it waving at you. "That's me your
captain, My friend Bovi the co- pilot, and one of
the air hostesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

NAKED LADY

A naked lady ran into Akpos’ taxi. She
told
the driver where she was going.
Akpos didn’t start the car but he was
just
staring at the woman over and over again.
The lady looked at him and said,
“what’s
your problem, man? Haven’t you seen
a
naked lady before?” Akpos replied, “I am
not looking at your nakedness, I was
just
wondering where you kept the money
you
are going to pay me.”

WE ARE NOT DEAD YET

Joke of the week!!!
CANT JUST STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!
Two young boys were plucking oranges from a tree belonging to an old man, they heard him coming their way and ran away with the ones they had. While the boys tried to run into the cemetery, they found that the gate was locked and they decided to jump over the fence.

While jumping, two oranges fell from their bag and they left it. When they were safely inside the cemetery, they began to share the oranges.
The boys started counting: One for you, one for me. A drunkard passing behind the cemetery heard their voices and ran as fast as he could to the church to tell the priest that he has heard God and Satan sharing Corpses. Then the priest came with the drunkard to the entrance of the cemetery to hear for himself.
The boys were still busy counting: One for you, one for me.
After they had shared the ones they had, one of the boys asked the other, "What about the two at the gate?"
Immediately the drunkard and the priest heard this, they took to their heels.
Shouting we are no dead yet ooooo.

HELP ME....BEFORE I KILL SOMEONE HERE O!!

i slept very hungry and saw bread in my dream,I took it and started eating it in my dream after I finished eating it,I saw a coconut & decided to eat it too but I didn't see a knife to cut it.So I decided to use my teeth only to receive a strong dirty slap from my elder brother!U don finish pillow....Now na my head u dey chew.... U be witch!?
Na my Fault??

THE BLENDER

HUSBAND: My wife where are you?
WIFE: At home love.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
WIFE: Yes.
HUSBAND: Turn on the blender.
WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee
HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day
HUSBAND: My wife where are you?
WIFE: At home love
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
WIFE: Yes
HUSBAND: Turn on the blender
WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee
HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye
The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him son where is your mother?
SON: I don’t know, she went out with the blender.

NIGERIA POLICEMEN TROUBLE

Below are some of the Troubles You Face With Policemen on The Road…
Why is your laptop bag empty, you want to steal a laptop and keep it in the bag abi? Oya, enter the motor!
Oga, this your Range Rover Sport car is fine o. Oya, use it to hit that wall there let’s see if your airbag is working. Oh! So you don’t want to use it to hit the wall abi? Oya, park!!! I say park before I break your head with my baton.

Why is your car not having A/C? You want to use heat to kill yourself. You want to commit suicide abi. Oga, park well!
The picture on your driver’s license, you carry afro (lots of hair), why do you now carry low cut? Come down now!.
Why do you have fertiliser in your boot? You are growing weed abi? Follow us to the station!
MAN: He snatched my WALLET and I was about to shout “THIEF” when three HEAVY slaps landed on my face. I didn’t see anything for thirty minutes except STARS.
POLICEMAN: Can you describe the stars?

MARRIAGE LIST

If you want to marry my precious daughter,you have to provide this
*
My daughter's Marriage List
1) 3 cows
2) 16 bags of rice
3) 72 litres of red oil
4) 15 iphone 6
5) 12 bags of salt
6) 18 largest inch plasma tv with stabilizer each
7) 2 range rover sport cars
8) 150 imported Uk bagsfor her mother
9) 700 versace shoes not ABA made oooo
10) 5 apple laptops new ones
11) 5 ipads
12) 16 set of boxes from Dubai
13) 10 washing machines
14) 50 bags of Semovita and 45bags of wheat
15) 1 big sack of kolanut
16) 20 dozen of boxers and singlets
17) 90 carton of frozen chicken
18) 98 crate of Mineral
19) 14 deep freezer must be of good product.
20) Must build a mansion for 8members of her family and sponsor their kids to study in Oxford university
21) Must open a shopping mall for her mother in UK
22) You must treat her like a QUEEN
23) Her bride price will be 20 naira cos we're not selling her out.
.
I have spoken my mind.
*
Because I paid more than this when I wanted to marry her mother

LOL!!! ABOUT ADEKUNLE GOLD

📌About Adekunle gold📌
He noticed dat
🏻girls ar nut easy to toast nd he loves Sade so much he vex enter studio, he
🎤

sing otipe ti mo tin ba e soro, otipe ti mo tin toast e oooo sade, naso sade accept his proposal At last!!! Wen Sade started request fr
💰money he left her nd went to a village nd search fr
💃
🏻orente.....dis one Neva Sabi
💰money bfor so she no dey complain later one 🚶🏻yahoo boy take over orente wit 🚘Range rover, my guy vex enter studio again sing
🎤....
🙏
🏽Baba god oo
Emina fera range oooo,
Lol
😃
😃
😃
... Let wait nd c d next episode dis year...
Lols
😜
😃
😃
...

AKPORS I DONT HAVE MONEY

Akpos stayed very close to the
cemetery so used that to outwit
okada riders and taxi drivers. He
would simply alight at the
cemetery junction, fill his nostrils
with cotton and speak nasally.
This scared every driver and rider
and wouldn't wait to ask him for
money but run for dear life. Akpos
did this for years and successfully
outwitted every driver thinking he
was a ghost. One cool evening,
Akpos boarded this okada and as
usual alighted at the cemetery
junction. "MONEY" the angry
looking okada man asked. Akpos
was at his best, stuffed cotton
wool into his nostrils and spoke
nasally; "I dont have money!" The
okada man wouldn't take any of
that, and kept insisting. This
frustrated Akpos, who later said;
"Ok, ok, follow me into the
cemetery. . to my room and I will
pay you". The okada man agreed
and followed him till they got to
one grave. Akpos in his attempts
to frighten the okada man
knocked on the grave and
screamed; "Uche! ,Uche!, Uche!,
abeg give me N800 make I pay
this stubborn okada man" All of a
sudden, a very big hand holding
N1000 appeared through the
grave accompanied with a voice
saying; "Take, this one na ma last
card. . ." Two pair of shoes (both
right leg)
belonging to Akpos and the
Okada man were found on the
scene as at the time gathering
this report.
We learnt Akpos ran home with
fresh shit all over his pants.... he's
yet to recover form the shock.

Hit Like/Share If You Understand.

AKPORS SUGAR FREE

Akpos enters Supermarket to buy
himself orange juice and sugar.
He paid for the orange juice and
walked
out with the sugar under his arm,
unpaid. At the door he was arrested and locked
up. During the court hearing, the judge
asked
him why he paid for the juice only and
stole the sugar?
Akpos replied, "I do not steal.
At the back of the juice bottle is said
SUGAR FREE.
Hit Like If U Get It

Abeg wetin i fit use diz result do?

1. English F9
2. Mathematics F9
3. Biology F9
4. Chemistry F9
5. Physics F9
6. Economics F9
7. AGRICULTURE F9
8. Geography F9
9. Literature F9
10. Government F9, Yoruba A1 And
Computer science A1
Should i further my school or make i use am find work?

SAD STORY BY AKPORS

Akpos and his two friends went to China for
vacation. Since they were new at the place,
they had to stay in a hotel. They ended up
being on the 60th floor. The policy of the
hotel was that, at midnight, the elevator is
shut down. The next day, they rented a car
and explored the city.
They enjoyed themselves and arrived at the
hotel pass midnight. The elevators had been
shut down.
There was no other way to get to their room
than to take the stairs all the way to the 60th
floor.
The first friend said; for the first 20 floors, I
will tell jokes to keep us going. (pointing to
the second friend) you’ll say wise stories for
the next 20 floors, and (pointing to Akpos)
you will cover the final 20 floors with sad
stories.
They started telling jokes. With lots of laugh
and joy, they reached the 20th floor.
The second friend started telling stories full of
wisdom. They had learnt a lot on reaching the
40th floor.
Now it was time for sad stories. Akpos said;
my first sad story is that I forgot the key of
the room in the car.

........IS IT MADNESS OR IMPATIENCE.???. ....

My guy got so high on weed, that he was searching
for his phone with the torchlight of the same
phone he was looking for. He got so worried
about the phoneand was almost in tears even his
roommate,who was also high, decided to join
him in the search. After 45 minutes of searching,
his phone rang, he picked the call and quickly
replied the caller “I’ll call you back, I'm looking for
my phone ”and he angrily ended the call and
continued in the search for the phone he just
answered a call with. After a while, he then
decided to use the same phone to call his line and
when he got the busy network he turned to his
roommate and said “guy forget, that phone don
lost, the person wey thief am, don off am”

Must Read True Confession By Akpos

I was a Candidate at a JAMB
Examination. We were writing
Use Of English. I shaded the ones
i knew and was waiting for
manner to fall from Heaven when
i noticed a very beautiful girl
sitting beside me. She was
shading and was not looking up.
Through the help of my long
neck, i peeped and checked her
work, she was on number 65, i
was still on number 21 and time
was running out. I quickly
thanked God and started shading
along with her. We got to number
98 together, suddenly, she looked
up, caught me and shouted in a
low tone,
What are it? Why is you dey
copying me? Copys! copys! You is
not shaming! As big as you dey!
You is a dull boys! You are a
disgrace to your manhood.
Na so i shout; heeeey! heeeeyyy!!!
heeeyyyy!!!
I am finished yay, who has eraser
eeeehhhh!!!!!!! ! Bad Market.....
Hit Like If You Understand.

DIFFERENT GRADES OF CHOPIN IN GOVERNMENT

1. When you chop alone in government and no one chops with you, that is called OBJ

2. When you chop in
government and you allow others to chop their own,that is called IBB
3. When you chop in
government and you give others from what you have
chopulated, that is called Abdusallam
4. When you chop in
government and d place you are chopin eventually fold up,
that is called ATiku
5. When you dey chop in government, you no remember your driver, secretary, office assistants, dat is called Gowon
6. When you dey chop alone in government, no remember anybody, you kon dey get
headache today, fever tomoro, hehehehehe. .. I laff
oyinbo laff...dat one is called Shonekan
7. When dem just appoint you for government position,
and you just chop small, auditors kon come say bring
all papers, dat is called Nwodo
8. When you chop in
government and you die while chopin, that is called Yaradua
9. When you want to chop in government and you give others to chop before you
begin to chop, that is called Goodluck Jonathan
10. When you are chopin your own in government and
you call your friends to come and chop their own too, that
is called Ibori
11. When you chop and clean mouth like say you no chop
anything, that is called Fashola
12. When you chop from this government, that
government, this
government, that
government like say na you dem create Nigeria for, dat
one is called Tinibu
13. When you chop in
government so taaay you scatter ground, three houses for America, two for London, six for Kubwa, seven for VI,
as madam dey go shopping for Dubai, children dey go
summer for Spain, EFCC kon gbab you, dat one is called
Orji Kalu
14. When you chop well well for government and people know say you chop well well but you dey deny say you
chop well well, dat one is called Rotimi Amechi
15. When you chop in
government so tay you are even richer than the place you dey chop, dat one is called Dasuki
16. When you see government money and can't chop and won't let others chop, dat one is called Buhari
Don't Laugh Alone!!!!

MAD PEOPLE VS PILOT

A pilot was told to transfer mad people from naija
to u.s.a . he agreed and carried dem in his plane .
every place was so noisy . later one of the mad
people approached de pilot and say: pls can u
teach me how to drive the airplane? . de pilot
replied , i will teach u if u will tell ur friend to stop
making noise (knowing that he can't do it). de mad
man went in . after some minutes ,everywhere was
silent. after some minute de mad man came back
and tell the pilot that everywhere is cool now. the
pilot became happy and asked what did u do to
dem that make dem keep calm. de mad man
replied , i opened the door for them to go and play
outside. the pilot fainted

ROBBERY AT AKPORS HOUSE

“There was a robbery at Akpos’
neighbour’s house and he called 199
Next thing he heard was:
Welcome to Nigeria Police Emergency
Center, for English press 1, for Igbo press
2, for Yoruba press 3, for Hausa press 4.
Akpos pressed 1, and another voice came
up...
For car accident press 1,for armed
robbery press 2, for Boko Haram please
hang up…
He pressed 2, and another voice came
up…
If they’re with knives press 1, pistols press
2, AK47 press 3, machine guns press 4,
bombs press 5, all of the above press 6…
Akpos checked and saw that the armed
robbers were with all of them, so he
pressed 6,then a voice came up saying….
“Hmmmm…! My friend, if your brother is a
policeman, will you let him go?”

REAL NINJA GUY

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-
American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all
starving because they didn't have money to buy food.
However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant
in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up
with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he
ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he
had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill.
"LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-
American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he
could not remember being paid. But because he did not
want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same
restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.
When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to
collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT
ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West
Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to
calm down the West Indian, because he did not want
anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy
go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know
how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and
ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two
bottles of Beer. After he had finished, the waiter came
to collect the money for the meal, But before the
Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to
him."Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day
and I can't understand it. Two other people like you
came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me
but I don't remember getting any money from them so, "
Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather
emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA
YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY
CHANGE!!"

APPLY SOME SALIVA ON THE HEAD

Akpos spits saliva in his palms and starts rubbing it all over his head.
Teacher: Akpors!!!!!… What stupid thing are you doing???…what is the essence of smearing your head with saliva ??
Akpors: because what you are teaching
is not entering.
Teacher: and so what has that got to do
with saliva?
Akpors: I overheard my mum last night telling dad in their bedroom that if it is difficult for it to enter, apply some saliva on the head

MY FIRST TIME TO USE A CONDOM..

.
I entered a shop and bought a pack
with 3 condoms, looked at
them curiously for a while
wondering how on earth I could use
them.
The Lady at the counter noticed my
puzzlement and asked sincerely,
''Have you ever used a condom? Do
you know how to put it on?''
I blushed and said,"No!"
The lady took one condom and
opened it and wore it on her thumb
as an example.
.
"This is how you wear it. You have to
make sure its tight!''
I was even more puzzled by this. I
was just an innnocent young man.
She noticed how shy and confused I
was.
"You must be a virgin," she said
teasingly.
"Have you ever had sex?".. She
asked..
l said, ''No!"
.
Then she looked around the shop;
there was no one but just the 2 of
us. She called me behind the
counter, opened the door leading to
the back-rooms and invited me in.
She quickly locked the door, told me
to hurry up... "We don't have time!"
She said.
.
She pulled her short skirt up, her
panty down, opened her legs and
layed her back on a table. Then she
told me to wear the condom on just
like she had told me.
I did, and she pulled me close, and
oh yes there I Was right deep inside
her wet sweet flesh.
.
But Oh My God no, in just 10
seconds inside it was just too
much and I came; tsaaa tsaaa tsaaa
tsaaaa twii twii tsaaa
ziii.!!
The lady felt it too, she felt the hot
cremora inside her, and asked me,
''Did you put the condom on like I
told you?"
"Yes I did. Just like you told me!" I
replied. She said, ''Lets see!"
.
(I showed her)
"Oh shit!" she screamed. "You are
supposed to wear it on your PENIS
not on your THUMB, you dummy.. ..

THE BADT AKPORS

In a nursery class, a little girl
asks teacher," can Mom get
pregnant?
Teacher : how old is your
mother?
Little girl: she is forty.
Teacher: yes she can get
pregnant.
Little girl: can
my big sister get pregnant?
Teacher: how old is your big
sister ?
Little girl; she is nineteen.
Teacher: of course your sister can
certainly get
pregnant.
Little girl:so what about me , can I
get pregnant?
Teacher : how old are you?
Little girl: I'm five years old!
Teacher: you can't get pregnant !
Then little akpors behind the little
girl gave her
a poke and says ," I told you we
had nothing to worry
about!
Teacher fainted.. ..

LOL!!! GALS IN MA AREA

GALS IN MA AREA..R FOND OF DASHN OUT SLAPS....WE AV D .,takeaway slap...resounding slap..formatting slap...explanation slap...fix deposit slap..n d rhetorical slap...d primus inter pares among dese slaps..r d TAKEAWAY AND RESOUNDING SLAP..
(1)TAKEAWAY SLAP:-wen a gal gvs u a dirty slap..n all u can do is hold ur face n walk away..dat is takeaway slap..
(2)RESOUNDING SLAP:- dats wen after u r hit..u keep hearing..sum funi sounds in ur brain
(3)FORMATTING SLAP:-dats d slap dat mks u 4get wat u were doing..u find urslf askn questns like"wat did i do?
(4)EXPLANATION SLAP:-..wen a gal gives u dat..u find urslf explaining d situation to d nearest person out of ur own accord..e.g..BROS SHEY U BE DE WATCH? I BE NO DO ANYTHING
(O5)FIX DEPOSIT SLAP:-wen u receive dat..all u will do is just stand right where u r and watch d gal walk away
(6)RHETORICAL SLAP:-d moment u download dat slap..u start askn questns dat dnt nid reply..BELLA U SLAP ME?

PORNOGRAPHY

LAUGH TIME

🌞🔳Virginity is like a Balloon🎈, One prick👈 and it's gone for ever!
🔳Sex is like a pack of Chips🍟, Once you start!
You can't stop😝!
🔳An Exam paper📝 is like a Dick 🍌, When it's hard! People get fucked!🎍
🔳Education🏨 is like hiring a prostitute💃, It needs both your money💰 and your hardwork 😓...👤!
🔳💰💳Success is like masturbating, Only your own hand👋 can let you achieve it!
🔳Life without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS !👙👙
🔳 Fuck a woman and she Loves you. Love a woman when she Fucks you.😳😳
🔳MBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks. If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_. Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse' passed.😜😜
🔳The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till Death!😝😝
🔳Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREASTS?
Girl: It Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up😜😜
🔳Give an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence. A Pregnant Prostitute😰😰
🔳If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Then Frustration is the Father of Masturbation! 😉😉
🔳If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible ask him to wear condom after sex!💄😱
So basically life is 👙PORNOGRAPHY

LAUGH AWAY YOUR SORROW: AKPORS THE DOCTOR

LAUGH AWAY YOUR SORROW: AKPORS THE DOCTOR: A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. Akpos, I am going hunting tomorrow. I dont want to cl...

WHO CAN FILL IN THIS QUESTION

PUZZLE OF THE DAY

AKPORS THE DOCTOR

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
Akpos, I am going hunting tomorrow. I dont want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.
Yes, sir! answers Akpos.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: So, Akpos, how was your day?
Akpos told him that he took care of three patients.
The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.
Bravo, and the second one? asks the doctor.
The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Flagyl, sir. says Akpos.
Bravo, bravo! Youre good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor.
Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!
Lord Jesus! Akpos, what did you do? asks the doctor.
I put eye-drops in her eyes.
One word For Akpos

I SAVE A LIFE

I just saved a life today on my way to home. I asked a beggar how will he feel if l give him #100,000 Naira?
He replied "Oga, I Go die,"
So l kept my money. Thank God I've saved a life!

*****NEW SCAM ALERT OO!!*****

Don't fall a victim o!
You will never believe what happened to me
today.
I still can't get over it.
I went to the supermarket to pick something
to eat before an event.
As I was walking down the aisle, I noticed
this woman starring at me.
I looked at her and kept walking to the front
counter to pick bottled water and gala.
As I picked them and turned, I found the
same woman right behind me!
I tried to show her some
love, so I smiled & said "hi".
Then I went on to get a canned coke.
Can u believe the same woman followed me?
I was getting a little bit
nervous and mad because she was following
me without saying a thing.
But I tried to stay friendly, I just said "hi"
again.
She finally responded and said, "I am sorry
for starring but you look just like my youngest
SON.
We just buried him two weeks ago" I felt
silly for getting mad as I expressed my
sympathy to her.
She said she was fine as she knows that her
Child is with the Lord.
She then asked me to do her a favour which I
obliged.
She said "I'm a bit sad that my child never
said goodbye to me before passing on".
She asked me to get in line behind her so
when she's leaving the store, I should say
"goodbye mum" so she could have some
sense of closure.
Though her request was weird, I however
agreed to grant it.
So as she collected her bags from the cashier
and walked away, I said "bye mum".
She turned and said "bye dear".
When d cashier calculated my stuff, she said
d total was N18,750.
I said what!!!
Can u tell me how a N70 bottled water, N50
gala and N100 canned coke equals N18,750?
She said "your mum said you are paying for
hers too". My mum? I shouted.
That woman is not my mother ooo!!!.
I quickly rushed out just in time to see the
woman approaching the parking lot. I ran
after her and was screaming..."ex cuse me,
excuse me!!!".
She started running.
I caught up with her just before she was able
to close the door of her car.
I kept on pulling and pulling her leg, just like
I am pulling yours now!
You too like gist self.
See as you serious dey read....do you have
fuel and light, if you do please I need some
fuel and if you don't then we're in the same
category.....

SATISFACTION

A lady went to a newspaper firm to publish her story saying "I'm looking for a man who won't beat me, leave me and who will satisfy me in bed".
Two weeks later she heard a knock on her door as she opened, she saw a man with no arms and legs and she asked, "How can I help you?"
The guy quickly answered, "I'm answering your request for a man."
The lady continued, "You have no arms!" The guy answered, "I won't beat you".
Lady: You have no legs.
Guy: I won't leave you.
Lady: How will you satisfy me in bed?
Guy: What do you think I was knocking with? ROTFL

SEX ROBOT

JOKE! JOKE!! JOKE!!! A sex Robot was designed to satisfy women, it was tested With 3 women, the first woman was an Hausa woman, after one hour, she came out full of smiles, saying, "gaskiya, e sweet me die". The next woman was a Yoruba woman, after 3hrs with the robot, she also came out smiling, said, ooooshey baba !!! The last woman was a Calabar woman, after 11 hours, the woman was not still out, so the security had to go check thinking the robot had killed her only for them to open the door to see d Calabar woman chasing the robot up and down saying, "come here you liar, if your battery dey low, how u come manage dey run?.....lmao

AKPORS SUICIDE

Ochuko: Akpors wat are u trying to do?
Apkors: Trying to commit suicide ...
Ochuko: Then why are you tying the rope around your waist?
Akpors: Ahhh, the last time i tied it around my neck, i nearly died.

ORGAN TRANSPLANT

A man had a bad case of stammering. He went to many doctors over the years but none of them could help.. Finally one doctor said to him; "believe i found the reason for your stammering". The man asked, " wha wha wha what is my my pro pro pro problem?.. Doctor: "your dick is very, very large. The weight of your dick is causing a strain on your lynx, and this results in ur stammering... The only solution to this is to perform a dick transplant.. The man was really tired of his stammering, so he agreed to the transplant.

Several days later, the doctor called the man up and informed him that they've found a suitable donor.. The transplant operation was successfully and the man could speak without any stutter.. At first, he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large dick, and, how the girls used to love it.. He finally went back to the doctor and said,

MISSING PURSE

Akpors return a missing purse to the owner in a market. The lady was so grateful but when she look inside, she got confused and said, "but i had a single One Thousand Naira note, now ther are ten peices of One hundred naira note, how come? Akpors reply, "na me change am, the last time wey i help person find purse, she say she for give me something but change no dey!!!

SEBI YOU SABI SPEAK ENGLISH OYA TRY THIS

Shebi u sabi speak english fluently??
Oya try dis!
''THREE WITCHES WISH THREE WISHES,BUT WHICH WITCH KNOWS WHICH WISH WHICH WITCH WISHED."
Send it back as a voicenote, let me hear ur funny accents, Don't spoil d fun..Waiting 4 ur voice note

A FUNNY OLD MAN

A FUNNY OLD MAN
A 90yrs old man used to call his wife all the romantic names like honey, darling, babe etc.. A young man was surprised and decided to know the secret.. He asked, hey grandpa, "how come even after 90yrs of age your love seems to be still fresh to your wife, you call her all the beautiful names honey, sweetheart, babe.. Whats the secret? He softly answered, "I forgot her name 10yrs ago and I am scared to ask. 😃😄😀😃

AKPORS TRAVELLING

Akpos was travelling From Benin to Warri when they stole his Money from his Bag. . Been that he didn't
have any other money to use and take bike to his house and the distance is very much long. . .
Akpos started Shouting in d Bus, whoever that is with my Money should give it to me or the same thing
that happened in 1999 wil repeat itself today. . .he Shouted this 3 times and the money was finally
brought out by a guy in at back seat. . .
When the money waz finally given 2 Akpors. . A lady beside him asked him what would have happend if the
money wasnot returned ? ? Akpors looked her deep in the eyes and Shouted. . . I will simply walk home
again as I did in 1999. . .
ONE WORD FOR AKPOS???

BRING BACK OUR CORRUPTION!!!

BRING BACK OUR CORRUPTION!!!
With Corruption a bag of pure water was N80
Without Corruption a bag of pure water is N150
With Corruption dollar was N180
Without Corruption dollar is N400
With Corruption I have 20hrs electricity at low tariff
Without Corruption I have 7hrs electricity
with 45% increase in tariff
With Corruption keke to my house takes N50
Without Corruption keke to my house takes N100
WithCorruption smallest indomie was N40
Without Corruption smallest indomie is N60 with Corruption bag of rice N8,500 without Corruption N14,000
The list can go on and on but I just have to end it and take a stand......
# IStandWithCorruption
‪#‎Bringbackourcorruption‬.
‪#‎BuharibringbackNigeria‬.
‪#‎Bringbacknaira‬.

If with Corruption Dollar was N180 and without Corruption Dollar is now N425,
Brother and Sisters, you will agree with me that we need corruption in this country...
Titus Sardine started with 4 fishes, it reduced to 3. Then now it's 2.
In years to come, you'll open Sardine and see "Try Again" No fish at this Time.........

RAGAE BLUES

Lyrics: Harry Song - Reggae Blues remix ft.
Mourinho
After the matches face a boo (the boo,the
boo)
Make you do as you do (I do,I do)
Enjoy the matches,chelsea blues (the
blues,the blues)
Cause even the blues get a boo (a boo,a
boo)
Share the points,share the goals (the
goals,the goals)
Everybody wanna win (the blues,the blues)
As far as say IVANOVIC dey play (dey play,dey
play)
Wingers pop champagne oo....aaahhhaaa
haaaaa
Verse 1....
Bobo see NAISMITH wey dem dey boo (dey
boo,dey
boo)
He don turn Amokachi the Bull (the bull,the
bull)
Mourinho dont know what to do(to do to
do)
Oga Abrahimovic just dey look (dey look,dey
look)
hahahahaahahahaha........

i no get lyrics
again,you can
Fill in the blank spaces, even chelsea fans the
blues
(the blues,the blues).....
Abeg chelsea fans na Harry song cause am
so make
una no kill me .. Cause me myself dey boo d
blues
( the blues, the
blues)
Lol
The boo chelsea

FUNNY ABBREVIATED

Some of the abbreviated words and their
meaning you don't know;
APC = Association of past criminals,
PDP = People Deceiving People.
IMO = I Must Obey.
IBADAN = Ibo Boys Are Dangerous At
Night.
ABA = Agege Boys Association.
LAGOS = Love All Girls On Saturday.
ABACHA = After Babangida Another
Criminal
Has Arrived.
GULDER = Girls Under Languor Deserve
Extra
Romance.
FANTA = Foolish Ashawo Never Takes
Advice.
WEEK = Women Education Ends in
Kitchen.
NIGERIA = Never Investigate Great
Executive
Robbers In Authority.
NEPA =Never Expect Power Always.
KOBO = Kill Obasanjo Before Others.
AIDS = America Invention for
Discouraging
Sex.
PHCN = Please Hold Candle Nearer.
NYSC = Now Your Struggle Continue.
GLO = Get Lover Online.
MTN = Maintain Total Nonsense.
GSM = General Street Madness.
OYO = On Your Own.
ONDO = Only Nigeria Drink Ogogoroo.
PVC = People Voting Crime.

Add yours and let the fun continue!!!!

AKPORS VS PROFESSOR

A professor was travelling by boat,on their way
he asked
the sailor ‘Do u know Biology? Ecology?
Zoology?
Embryology?
Epidemology?
‘NO’ said the sailor.
Prof got angry and said
‘what the hell
do u know?
You will die of illetracy.
One hour later the boat started sinking.
The sailor looked at
prof and ask, Prof do u knw Swiminology and
Escapeology from Sharkology?
‘NO’ said the Prof.
Well that means Crocodileology will eat your
Headology
and u will Dielogy with your Knowledgeology
because of
your Mouthology.
Lol see how all of them is lookingnology as if all the grammalogy that
has been speakinology is correctology, lol use ur brainology and share
the postology and put smilelogy on someone's faceology and
addology to the postogoly

LAGOS DON TIRE ME

This Lagos sef don tire me. Jeje I was sitting in my car on a very long fuel queue from the Mobil in Maryland. This queue was almost getting to Anthony bus stop. It was one of those days where no fuel at all. Suddenly na him I see one guy run past my car with jerry can in one hand shouting "won ti bere oooooo I quickly jumped out of my car opened my booth, got my jerry can and ran after him. He kept on running towards Maryland. When he got to the filling station he shouted again "won ti bere oooo" this in yoruba actually means "They have started oooooo." He ran past the filling station and headed towards Sheraton hotel. Those that know this area will understand the distance. I tried to run faster to catch up and ask Kini won bere? Meaning what have they started? But this boy ran faster. I looked back and I saw like 30 people had joined us everybody with jerry can in one hand. We continued past Sheraton and headed towards Ikeja bus stop. When we got to Ikeja bus stop he shouted again won ti bere oooooo. ....and continued running we all continued too asking each other wetin happen but nobody seemed to know as we chased after him. Finally we got to oshodi isale and he shouted again by this time we were like 70 people running after him all of us with jerry can in one hand. He shouted again won ti bere oooooo!!!!!! He continued running towards iyana Isolo and finally after getting to iyana Isolo he stopped and we were all gasping for breath both men and women some with pot bellies, I moved close to him breathing heavily and asked Kini kini won bere? He answered "Chelsea ati Arsenal ni, won ti bere match!"
I fainted.

FUNNY WORLD WE ALL LIVE

We All Are Living in a seriously funny world..
¤ If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FAT??
¤ Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
¤ Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE??
¤ Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
¤ In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
¤ If money doesn't grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
¤ Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
¤ Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?
¤ If its true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for?
¤ If you aren't supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
¤ If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
¤ When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?
¤ If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?
¤ Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?
¤ Can You Cry Under Water..?
¤ Why Do People Say "You've Been Working Like A Dog" When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day..??
We all are Living in a seriously funny world...
:p :p :p :p :p (y) (y)

THE BLIND GUY

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. since he was blind, she let him in. After bathing, she came out naked with legs spread and shaving in front of him and tried to make a conversation by asking him, brother Mike , what brings you here? Is everything OK at home? He replied, yes o, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the

YOU ARE NOT A MONK

YOU ARE NOT A MONK..
A man was driving down the road and his
car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the
door, and says, "My car broke down. Do
you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed
him dinner and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a
strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks
what the sound was, but they say, "We
can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them
anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later,
The same man breaks down in front of
the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him,
even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange
noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but
the monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm
dying to know. If the only way I can find
out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the
earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
Some 45 years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and
have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of
grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply,

WHO CAN SOLVE THIS PUZZLE

FUNNY LETA TO PARENCE

Kayode A boy in SS 3 wrote a letter to his daddy... .Read & Enjoy...
LATER TO MY PARENCE.
Dear papa Kayode.
Good money...eye neva pay schoon fix o and our ezam tine tabel is aat. I want to partyspet in the ezam o, plees sent money to me if not, they will purshoe me from the schoon and come back to the haos.
Yours chaild.
Daniel.

Father's Reply.
My son

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Please i need answer i cos dont know wat to do?

AKPORS KUNG FU LOL!!!

Akpors was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, the town’s most notorious thug came and smacks Akpors in the face and says
“That’s KUNG FU, made in China”.
A while later, Ironman the thug smacks Akpors again and says “That’s KARATE, made in
Korea”.
Ironman then sat at the bar and started drinking.
Akpors gets up and leaves the bar.
A short time later he comes back and